It’s been a great school term, and a big one! I know a few, or potentially many young people are running on 10%, are unravelling at the seams, are erupting more often with delightful emotions. I’m sure you might be observing this at home. The students are tired, and with that comes behavioural responses that can be challenging to manage.
As I have journeyed in my role as a school counsellor at Avondale, I’ve had to ask myself many times, what and why was I seeing a particular behavioural response in a student? Behavioural responses are merely the outward presentation of someone’s internal processes (body, perception, thoughts, emotions and intentions). I wondered what a student was trying to communicate about their internal world.
In her book Beyond Behaviour, Dr Delahooke shares a recently developed framework for understanding behaviour. She refers to a theory shared by Dr Porges, who explains that ‘behavioural responses represent how a person’s nervous system is constantly regulating the body’s response to stress’. This new paradigm has shifted our thinking in how we address behaviour. It directs our attention to the underlying factors, or the internal processes rather than the behaviour itself.
Dr Delahooke shares that instead of focusing on eliminating a behaviour, we ask, what is this telling us about the young person? Instead of focusing on what we do to children to manage behaviour, we prioritise how we are with them. Validating young people’s emotions and experiences is a way of being present, that makes them feel safe, builds self-worth and reduces unwanted behavioural responses. What we say to them becomes their internal dialogue.
Dan Siegel, author of The Whole Brain Child, developed a strategy for parents to use amid big emotions, called 'Name It, to Tame It'. You validate a young person by helping them give words to their emotion. I observed the power of this just a few days ago when I noticed a student getting very angry at someone. I walked up to them, lowered myself to their eye level and acknowledged that they seemed very angry. At first, the student shook her head. I then asked, sad? She nodded. She settled quickly and went back to eating her lunch. Why? Someone validated her feeling. Someone saw the injustice and hurt that she felt. Someone valued her in that moment and was with her.
I am finishing my time as a counsellor at Avondale School next week on a high note. I leave professionally for further opportunity, however, am so grateful that my kids get to attend Avondale and I get to stay part of the community. I have witnessed the beautiful way staff have validated my children alongside all the other students they educate. I love that throughout the Bible, God claims his love for us and validates us by placing great worth on our lives. In Psalm 37:5-6, God says that he will "validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon". What a reassuring promise of God’s affirmation and love!
Mrs Liz Hurlow
School Counsellor
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